The mental load of parenting is a well-known struggle, but new research suggests that the way couples manage this load can lead to a destructive dynamic: parenting each other. Licensed psychologist Dr. Candace Nicole Hargon joined FOX 5 to discuss how these “parent traps” damage connections and what couples can do to reclaim their roles as mutual peers. Click the video player above to watch the full interview.
The Science of the “Parent Trap”
While many believe the burden of the mental load falls primarily on women, Dr. Hargons’ research—which surveyed over 1,000 couples—shows that the resulting dynamics affect both partners significantly.
When a man feels he is being parented by his partner:
- Confidence Drops: He is significantly more likely to feel a lack of confidence in intimate settings.
- Attraction Fades: Women in these relationships are 27% more likely to feel less interested in their partner intimately.
According to Hargon, the situation worsens when a man feels he is the one doing the “parenting” for his partner. In these cases, he often feels less physically and emotionally attracted to her, while she may experience physical pain or difficulty reaching “the finish line” during intimacy.
Breaking the cycle: Tips for couples
To avoid treating a partner like a “project” or a child, Hargon offers three key strategies for couples in the thick of parenting:
- Stop Supervising: Let your partner do tasks their own way and on their own timeline without correcting them.
- Own Your Adulthood: If you feel parented, check if you are carrying your fair share of responsibilities or waiting to be nagged.
The road to recovery
Hargon emphasizes that these patterns cannot be fixed overnight. Most couples require several months of active “renegotiation” to develop a new dynamic. “One week is not enough to change a pattern,” Hagens noted, adding that the long-term payoff for a couple’s intimacy and connection is well worth the effort.
