Depression doesn’t just affect the person living with it — it can ripple through every part of a romantic relationship as well. It’s natural to want to help, but it can be hard to know exactly how to support a partner with depression. Should you give them space or lean in? Offer encouragement or simply listen? The good news: There are compassionate, practical ways to show up for your partner without losing yourself in the process. Small, steady actions — like validating their emotions or maintaining a daily routine — can create a sense of safety and connection for both of you. Below, experts share a number of dos and don’ts for supporting a partner with depression, plus tips for taking care of yourself along the way.
Dos of Supporting a Partner With Depression Dos Here’s what mental health experts recommend doing to offer real, sustainable support when your partner has depression. Do Validate Their Experience When a loved one feels hopeless or stuck, your first instinct might be to cheer them up or point out the positives . But those well-meaning words often backfire. “Say things like, ‘I can see how hard this is for you,’ instead of trying to talk them out of how they feel,” says Nilisha Williams, a licensed professional clinical counselor supervisor and the clinical director of ACE Wellness Center in Strongsville, Ohio. “Validation reduces shame and helps them feel understood.” Alyssa Kushner , a licensed clinical social worker and the owner of AK Psychotherapy in New York City, agrees. “Depression can make people feel broken or like they are a burden,” she says. “Simply holding space and showing you can tolerate their pain helps them feel less alone.” Do Encourage Seeking Professional Help Depression often drains motivation , so finding care can feel daunting, says Kushner.e60dc2a1-f33c-4a05-9b50-8e3e8e597629f89ddf4c-a18a-4e21-9807-ab5e9fc4695f She suggests making it easier for your partner by researching therapists or offering to go with them to an appointment. And the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (which also has text and online chat options) will provide support and share resources with anyone who calls — whether that’s your partner or yourself. Williams says that encouraging them to try therapy or seek medical care from a psychiatrist is a way to show them that you take their depression seriously — and lets them know that they aren’t alone in this. Do Celebrate Small Wins Depression recovery often happens incrementally, in small steps. Recognizing achievements , no matter how mundane they may seem to your partner, can help rebuild their confidence, hope, and motivation.e60dc2a1-f33c-4a05-9b50-8e3e8e5976296df1e82e-fc7b-4683-b0d3-6e112ab2b41b “Acknowledge even minor steps like getting out of bed, making a meal, or attending therapy,” says Williams. Over time, those small moments can become meaningful milestones that remind your partner that they’re moving forward, even if it’s slowly. Do Help With Daily Structure When depression makes even simple tasks feel daunting, gentle structure can help, says Williams. Small routines — like eating breakfast together or regularly spending time in nature — can also help reintroduce a sense of normalcy and predictability. Research has linked maintaining daily routines to a lower risk of persistent depression.e60dc2a1-f33c-4a05-9b50-8e3e8e5976293d1fdc19-8c6a-4f6d-b705-231fa98e8a35 Kushner also advises breaking things down into smaller steps. “Instead of pressuring big self-care, gently support daily routines, like eating, showering, or going for a short walk,” she says. “Depression makes even the basics feel overwhelming, so breaking things down reduces shame and increases follow-through.” Do Communicate Openly Your partner’s needs might change over time, as research suggests that many people with depression are engaged in the difficult work of attempting to regulate their emotions .e60dc2a1-f33c-4a05-9b50-8e3e8e597629aca12f7a-dc8c-4766-95b4-4d231cf36dd2 The best way to avoid misunderstandings? Ask. Williams recommends checking in directly: “Ask, ‘How can I best support you today?’ Some days they may need quiet presence, other days encouragement to get moving.” This kind of open communication helps prevent missteps and fosters trust, she says. It also reassures your partner that they can tell you what’s truly helpful rather than what they think you want to hear.
Don’ts of Supporting a Partner With Depression Don’ts Good intentions don’t always translate into helpful actions. Here’s what to avoid. Don’t Try to ‘Fix’ Them It’s tempting to want to solve whatever is hurting your partner, but depression isn’t something you can fix, says Williams. In fact, “trying to fix it can leave them feeling misunderstood or pressured,” she says. Depression can make people feel broken or like they are a burden, and offering quick fixes can deepen that feeling, says Kushner. She says that listening and validating their emotions does far more to help than trying to make their pain disappear. Don’t Minimize Their Feelings It’s natural to think that focusing on the positive will help your partner feel better. But phrases like “just think positive,” “other people have it worse,” or “you have so much to be grateful for” can make things worse, says Kushner. They invalidate your partner’s pain and can make them feel even more alone. Instead, when you validate their emotions — even the painful ones, and those that may worry you — you show respect for their experience and help them feel safe opening up again, she says. Don’t Confuse Withdrawal With Rejection Depression often causes people to pull away, cancel plans, or seem emotionally distant. That distance can feel personal, but experts say it usually isn’t.e60dc2a1-f33c-4a05-9b50-8e3e8e5976294250cf14-009a-4d6d-a889-3349c16cce4f “Many partners misinterpret pulling away as lack of love,” says Williams. “In reality, it’s often the illness numbing them.” Kushner adds that depression can impact energy , mood, and communication, so withdrawal usually reflects the illness, not the relationship.e60dc2a1-f33c-4a05-9b50-8e3e8e597629a5351b82-b742-4712-aa7d-3f1061d2e44f Giving your partner space while staying emotionally available — saying, “I’m here when you’re ready” — helps them feel cared for, but without feeling pressured, she says. Don’t Neglect Your Own Boundaries Being supportive doesn’t mean sacrificing your own well-being, says Williams. Maintaining boundaries is a way to meet your needs and keep the relationship healthy — they keep independence and connection in balance.e60dc2a1-f33c-4a05-9b50-8e3e8e597629305580f9-dbf9-422a-82a2-022c912f91e3 Setting a boundary might look like explaining that you’re able to find a list of therapists who take their insurance, but that they need to be the one to determine what kind of therapy is the best match, for example. Communicating your limits encourages understanding, empathy, and a healthy exchange in your relationship, especially during times of stress.e60dc2a1-f33c-4a05-9b50-8e3e8e597629305580f9-dbf9-422a-82a2-022c912f91e3 “Micromanaging or shielding them from all stress can create dependency and burnout,” she explains. Healthy support balances compassion with accountability — for both of you. Don’t Try to Replace Professional Help Love is vital, but it isn’t a replacement for getting help from a qualified medical professional. “Trying to be their sole therapist puts both of you at risk,” says Williams. “Encourage formal treatment while offering steady companionship .” That said, Kushner recommends against issuing ultimatums such as “you need to go to therapy or else,” because they can fuel shame and resistance. Instead, she suggests gentle encouragement.
How to Care for Yourself How to Care for Yourself Supporting a loved one with depression takes effort, patience, and care, which is why looking after yourself matters just as much. Here’s what Kushner and Williams recommend: Set clear boundaries. Offer empathy without taking on responsibility for their recovery — it keeps both of you grounded. Don’t take their symptoms personally. Their withdrawal or irritability is part of the illness, not a reflection of you. Talk about your own feelings. Confide in a friend or therapist to manage guilt, frustration, or helplessness. Take breaks when needed. Step away to recharge instead of pushing past exhaustion. Keep your own routines. Maintain your hobbies, exercise, and social life — consistency protects your mental health too.
The Takeaway Supporting a partner with depression starts with empathy, patience, and validation, not trying to fix them. Encourage them to get professional help and communicate openly, but remember that you can’t be their therapist or cure their condition. Protect your own well-being with clear boundaries, regular self-care, and outside support when you need it, so that you can show up for your partner with consistency and compassion.
Resources We Trust Cleveland Clinic: DepressionMayo Clinic: Depression (Major Depressive Disorder)National Alliance on Mental Illness: What to Do When You Love Someone With DepressionMental Health Foundation: Supporting a Partner With DepressionThe Family Institute at Northwestern University: Treating Depression Within a Couple
Dos of Supporting a Partner With Depression Dos Here’s what mental health experts recommend doing to offer real, sustainable support when your partner has depression. Do Validate Their Experience When a loved one feels hopeless or stuck, your first instinct might be to cheer them up or point out the positives . But those well-meaning words often backfire. “Say things like, ‘I can see how hard this is for you,’ instead of trying to talk them out of how they feel,” says Nilisha Williams, a licensed professional clinical counselor supervisor and the clinical director of ACE Wellness Center in Strongsville, Ohio. “Validation reduces shame and helps them feel understood.” Alyssa Kushner , a licensed clinical social worker and the owner of AK Psychotherapy in New York City, agrees. “Depression can make people feel broken or like they are a burden,” she says. “Simply holding space and showing you can tolerate their pain helps them feel less alone.” Do Encourage Seeking Professional Help Depression often drains motivation , so finding care can feel daunting, says Kushner.e60dc2a1-f33c-4a05-9b50-8e3e8e597629f89ddf4c-a18a-4e21-9807-ab5e9fc4695f She suggests making it easier for your partner by researching therapists or offering to go with them to an appointment. And the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (which also has text and online chat options) will provide support and share resources with anyone who calls — whether that’s your partner or yourself. Williams says that encouraging them to try therapy or seek medical care from a psychiatrist is a way to show them that you take their depression seriously — and lets them know that they aren’t alone in this. Do Celebrate Small Wins Depression recovery often happens incrementally, in small steps. Recognizing achievements , no matter how mundane they may seem to your partner, can help rebuild their confidence, hope, and motivation.e60dc2a1-f33c-4a05-9b50-8e3e8e5976296df1e82e-fc7b-4683-b0d3-6e112ab2b41b “Acknowledge even minor steps like getting out of bed, making a meal, or attending therapy,” says Williams. Over time, those small moments can become meaningful milestones that remind your partner that they’re moving forward, even if it’s slowly. Do Help With Daily Structure When depression makes even simple tasks feel daunting, gentle structure can help, says Williams. Small routines — like eating breakfast together or regularly spending time in nature — can also help reintroduce a sense of normalcy and predictability. Research has linked maintaining daily routines to a lower risk of persistent depression.e60dc2a1-f33c-4a05-9b50-8e3e8e5976293d1fdc19-8c6a-4f6d-b705-231fa98e8a35 Kushner also advises breaking things down into smaller steps. “Instead of pressuring big self-care, gently support daily routines, like eating, showering, or going for a short walk,” she says. “Depression makes even the basics feel overwhelming, so breaking things down reduces shame and increases follow-through.” Do Communicate Openly Your partner’s needs might change over time, as research suggests that many people with depression are engaged in the difficult work of attempting to regulate their emotions .e60dc2a1-f33c-4a05-9b50-8e3e8e597629aca12f7a-dc8c-4766-95b4-4d231cf36dd2 The best way to avoid misunderstandings? Ask. Williams recommends checking in directly: “Ask, ‘How can I best support you today?’ Some days they may need quiet presence, other days encouragement to get moving.” This kind of open communication helps prevent missteps and fosters trust, she says. It also reassures your partner that they can tell you what’s truly helpful rather than what they think you want to hear.
Don’ts of Supporting a Partner With Depression Don’ts Good intentions don’t always translate into helpful actions. Here’s what to avoid. Don’t Try to ‘Fix’ Them It’s tempting to want to solve whatever is hurting your partner, but depression isn’t something you can fix, says Williams. In fact, “trying to fix it can leave them feeling misunderstood or pressured,” she says. Depression can make people feel broken or like they are a burden, and offering quick fixes can deepen that feeling, says Kushner. She says that listening and validating their emotions does far more to help than trying to make their pain disappear. Don’t Minimize Their Feelings It’s natural to think that focusing on the positive will help your partner feel better. But phrases like “just think positive,” “other people have it worse,” or “you have so much to be grateful for” can make things worse, says Kushner. They invalidate your partner’s pain and can make them feel even more alone. Instead, when you validate their emotions — even the painful ones, and those that may worry you — you show respect for their experience and help them feel safe opening up again, she says. Don’t Confuse Withdrawal With Rejection Depression often causes people to pull away, cancel plans, or seem emotionally distant. That distance can feel personal, but experts say it usually isn’t.e60dc2a1-f33c-4a05-9b50-8e3e8e5976294250cf14-009a-4d6d-a889-3349c16cce4f “Many partners misinterpret pulling away as lack of love,” says Williams. “In reality, it’s often the illness numbing them.” Kushner adds that depression can impact energy , mood, and communication, so withdrawal usually reflects the illness, not the relationship.e60dc2a1-f33c-4a05-9b50-8e3e8e597629a5351b82-b742-4712-aa7d-3f1061d2e44f Giving your partner space while staying emotionally available — saying, “I’m here when you’re ready” — helps them feel cared for, but without feeling pressured, she says. Don’t Neglect Your Own Boundaries Being supportive doesn’t mean sacrificing your own well-being, says Williams. Maintaining boundaries is a way to meet your needs and keep the relationship healthy — they keep independence and connection in balance.e60dc2a1-f33c-4a05-9b50-8e3e8e597629305580f9-dbf9-422a-82a2-022c912f91e3 Setting a boundary might look like explaining that you’re able to find a list of therapists who take their insurance, but that they need to be the one to determine what kind of therapy is the best match, for example. Communicating your limits encourages understanding, empathy, and a healthy exchange in your relationship, especially during times of stress.e60dc2a1-f33c-4a05-9b50-8e3e8e597629305580f9-dbf9-422a-82a2-022c912f91e3 “Micromanaging or shielding them from all stress can create dependency and burnout,” she explains. Healthy support balances compassion with accountability — for both of you. Don’t Try to Replace Professional Help Love is vital, but it isn’t a replacement for getting help from a qualified medical professional. “Trying to be their sole therapist puts both of you at risk,” says Williams. “Encourage formal treatment while offering steady companionship .” That said, Kushner recommends against issuing ultimatums such as “you need to go to therapy or else,” because they can fuel shame and resistance. Instead, she suggests gentle encouragement.
How to Care for Yourself How to Care for Yourself Supporting a loved one with depression takes effort, patience, and care, which is why looking after yourself matters just as much. Here’s what Kushner and Williams recommend: Set clear boundaries. Offer empathy without taking on responsibility for their recovery — it keeps both of you grounded. Don’t take their symptoms personally. Their withdrawal or irritability is part of the illness, not a reflection of you. Talk about your own feelings. Confide in a friend or therapist to manage guilt, frustration, or helplessness. Take breaks when needed. Step away to recharge instead of pushing past exhaustion. Keep your own routines. Maintain your hobbies, exercise, and social life — consistency protects your mental health too.
The Takeaway Supporting a partner with depression starts with empathy, patience, and validation, not trying to fix them. Encourage them to get professional help and communicate openly, but remember that you can’t be their therapist or cure their condition. Protect your own well-being with clear boundaries, regular self-care, and outside support when you need it, so that you can show up for your partner with consistency and compassion.
Resources We Trust Cleveland Clinic: DepressionMayo Clinic: Depression (Major Depressive Disorder)National Alliance on Mental Illness: What to Do When You Love Someone With DepressionMental Health Foundation: Supporting a Partner With DepressionThe Family Institute at Northwestern University: Treating Depression Within a Couple
